Disney Women at the Fertility Clinic

Disney Women at the Fertility Clinic

Nine women sit quietly in the waiting room. Yacht rock plays in the background. A Colombian teen in glasses starts anxiously—and yet rhythmically—tapping her foot.

MIRABEL: Listen, I don’t mean to be nosy, but is anyone else here freezing her eggs? My abuela keeps pressuring me, even though I’ve told her like multiple times that I’m only fifteen. I just look middle aged.

ELSA: My eggs are already frozen. That’s the problem.

BELLE: Really? Inside your body?

ELSA: Only when I get nervous. But man, as soon as the speculum’s in, it’s like—boom!—Ice Capades.

SNOW WHITE: My OB thinks my eggs might have been affected during my year-long death sleep.

AURORA: I was asleep too! Was yours a cursed spindle?

SNOW WHITE: Poisoned apple. Did you die?

AURORA: I don’t think so. But spells can wreak havoc on your uterus, according to my fairy godmothers.

CINDERELLA: I heard that too! I’ve got so many fibroids it’s insane. My fairy godmother was the one who cast a spell on me, though. And honestly, riding in a pumpkin coach was not worth three rounds of IVF

TIANA: Sorry to interrupt, but do you go to the Disney Clinic? Because I don’t think Doc McStuffins practices with a license. That child can’t find a vein to save her own life.

CINDERELLA: Actually, I saw that mouse doctor from The Rescuers Down Under† The pelvic exam was… very strange.

ARIEL: Ugh, the Disney Clinic is trash. It’s like, sorry, have you never seen a human woman lay one thousand fish eggs before? amateur hour.

TIANA: We should talk. My husband used to be a frog.

BELLE: Has it affected his sperm? My partner was a huge mammal, kind of a yak vibe. Anyway, now that he’s human again we can’t conceive.

TIANA: Oh, my husband’s sperm is fine. It’s that he’s used to external fertilization, and I’m like, honey, no matter how many times you try, it’s not going to work. We’re not icing a cake here; we’re filling a fritter, you know?

MIRABEL: You guys are not exactly making me want to start dating, LOL

ARIEL: Don’t listen to them, there are still biologically human men out there. Not a lot, but some. You should look at Pixar.

ELSA: And you don’t need a man to have a baby. Although my architect says I will need central heating to keep it alive.

RAPUNZEL: Sorry, I was on a Zoom call on mute. My husband is fully human, but he was technically dead for five minutes before my magic tears brought him back to life. Now he has erectile dysfunction.

SNOW WHITE: I got kissed awake. Have you ever been dead for a year and then woken up to someone’s tongue in your mouth? It’s deeply unnerving.

AURORA: Amen to that, sister.

ARIEL: But you married him.

SNOW WHITE: I mean, my pickings were slim. Most of my friends were animals.

CINDERELLA: Same girl, same.

TIANA: Nothing wrong with animals as long as they get their human form back when the clothes come off.

BELLE: Thank you for saying that.

ARIEL: My doctor says we could have mer-babies, but it would need to be a C-section because I might conceive up to a few hundred. Plus, there’s really no research on the impact of scales on the birth canal. Still, fingers crossed!

ELSA: Would you keep a tank in the nursery? That could be cute…

ARIEL: I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, but I have been looking at above-ground pools.

SNOW WHITE: This is all so exciting. If we get pregnant, my prince says he’ll build a glass bassinet in honor of the coffin he found me in.

MIRABEL: That’s dark. But cool. very goth.

BELLE: Listen, I’ll just be happy if the crib doesn’t sprout arms and start talking in a French accent.

TIANA: Maybe we should form a moms group after all this is over. You know, playdates, day drinking…

CINDERELLA: I love that idea! My stepmother is a real See You Next Tuesday, and my friends are all mice and birds, so I could use some gal pals.

SNOW WHITE: Evil stepmothers are the worst. Like, who am I kidding? She is 100 percent going to try to curse this baby.

AURORA: My fairy godmothers can weaken curses placed on infants if it comes to that. I’ll give you their emails.

ARIEL: Sigh. This is a lot. I wish my real mom were still alive.

BELLE: Me too.

CINDERELLA: Me too.

ELSA: Me too.

SNOW WHITE: Me too.

Silence descends.

RAPUNZEL: So, what’s everyone’s stance on vaccines?

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